The Dream Drain

At least, that's what this place feels like.

I can't tell you all how often I open up this site, intending to write something - anything - but leave with the cursor still blinking over a blank page.

I write over here for school of course, but so does everyone else in my class. I post my articles over here, but I don't particularly want the depressing research I've been doing on animal rights and other topics to clog up this page.

So what's up with the whiteout over here?

20-Something Mind Games

Mostly, I feel like I have no idea what direction I want to lead you in.

Heck, I don't even know what direction I want to lead myself in.

I don't know what to write or what to tell you because it seems like everywhere I look, I see people who are following their dreams and making things happen. They're off finding careers, finding their callings or simply finding themselves. People have what would appear to be the job I've been searching for since graduation, leaving me to wonder exactly which step I took was the wrong one.

Granted, I have a wonderful life as-is; I have a husband I love very much, who still laughs at all of the weird things I do from day to day. I have a family nearby and a new(ish) nephew who - when he's not spitting up on me - is just about the cutest thing to ever lay in his own poop. 

And I'm lucky enough to be employed and own a home when so many people in this world do not. Don't get me wrong. I realize all of these blessings and I'm thankful for them every day. 

But here I am, four years later without so much as one position with the same title as subject printed on my degree, while people I know are running off being artists and photographers, doctors and lawyers and discovering their dreams and pushing them to reality. 

And me?

I feel like I was out sick on "discover your dream" day in elementary school. 

(And did I mention I had excellent attendance almost every year?) 

The Curse of the Over-achiever

I should mention, of course, that I realize I'm only 26 and that I should chill out. But if that's your advice, you can go ahead and leave it somewhere else. Why?

1. Because I did what I was supposed to do through school, getting good grades, carrying a part-time job and earning the respect of my teachers, professors, employers and peers. 
2. Because I'm really, truly smart and a hard worker and those are supposed to be my keys to opening whatever doors I so choose.
   
3. Because this is my blog and I'll complain if I want to. 

OK, you probably didn't need that third one, and I really don't mean to complain, but let's be honest - when you grow up hearing you can be anything you want to be, you kind of start to believe it.

Maybe it's because everyone in my generation was told the same thing, and we need to realize we really aren't that special. 

Maybe it's only those who have a true, live-or-die-by-it passion can really make something of themselves. 

Maybe some are just luckier than others. Or maybe in this über-connected world we just see more of the bright and shiny sides and it's hard to remember we're all in this messed up world together.

But tell me: how are you doing it?

How did you know what you're doing is what you're meant to be doing? Or are you like me, wondering when that big, fat, passionate something will come around and smack you in the face?

In school, problems have solutions, questions have answers and there's a right and wrong way to do things. In life, we're not that lucky. 

I'm just hoping to figure it all out someday.

'Til then.

Seeking Advice. No, Really.

Advice.

When you're searching for something, or hoping to achieve a goal, it seems everyone has ideas about exactly how you should do it. Usually, it goes something like this:

"Just do what I did - (enter random example that doesn't really apply in your situation here) - you'll get there in no time and make millions of dollars doing it!"

And, because you're at a loss for what to do, you listen. You heed their advice, take it all in and hope that this was the key to success you had been missing all along. Surely, this time, you've done what it takes. 

In my case, I tend to seek out so much advice I wind up getting paranoid about my own methods. How do you know when you should follow advice over your gut, or vice versa?

To answer this question, I of course, asked for advice.

Via Twitter.

Or, The Twitter, as I like to call it.

Because I'm hip like that.

Anyway...I reached out to ask if anyone could give an example of advice that really helped them. My friend, Shawn (@ShawnMeier), obliged, supplying this little gem:

"There are 2 things you should never complain about: the things you can change, and the things you can't."

Obvious, right?

No? 

Yeah, me neither. He continues...

"In other words, if u can change something, do it. If u can't, don't bitch or worry cuz it's out of ur control. Just move on."

And you know what? He's exactly right. For he past few weeks months, I've been doing everything I can think of to improve my situation. I haven't been writing because I've devoted all spare time to one project and - because the solution hasn't presented itself - I complain. 

I focus on all of the pieces I have no control over. I complain (OK, I downright whine) to my husband, who has been nothing but supportive as I struggle to make things happen. I retrace every step, wondering what I could have done differently when in fact, it's more likely that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. 

I've made the mistake of seeking advice from so many others that I've lost my own gut instinct. I think it's time for me to take a step back and realize, as much as it pains me to say it: Shawn was right. 

That was exactly what I needed to hear. Time to stop complaining. 

What about you? Have you ever gotten advice that truly solved your problem? How do you sort through the advice you get in order to find the advice you need?

Spilling.

All right. I've been ignoring you again.

Not that I want to make excuses, but I'm right in the midst of one of the busiest travel seasons in my job (I leave again this Sunday) and I'm still frantically trying to navigate the whole, two-dog household thing. Needless to say, things have been a little off-the-charts busy lately and as much as I wish I could write...

Actually, I haven't had a damn thing to talk about in the last ten days. It's been work as usual and the whole grad school application process is nowhere near as interesting to anyone else as it is to me. But beneath the monotony of my day-to-day, my mind has been occupied with things I'm not quite ready to put to print. So I suppose there you have the real reason I've been avoiding you. It's not that I have nothing TO say, but rather I have nothing I CAN say.

It's funny - as much as this is supposed to be a free and unrestricted extension of myself, there are so many things I'm unable to post. So here I am, typing meaningless chatter and pointless small talk in order to avoid the inevitable spill.

So to put it briefly, vaguely and without really any satisfaction for either of us, the gears are turning. And for now, that's really all I can put to print.