The Dream Drain

At least, that's what this place feels like.

I can't tell you all how often I open up this site, intending to write something - anything - but leave with the cursor still blinking over a blank page.

I write over here for school of course, but so does everyone else in my class. I post my articles over here, but I don't particularly want the depressing research I've been doing on animal rights and other topics to clog up this page.

So what's up with the whiteout over here?

20-Something Mind Games

Mostly, I feel like I have no idea what direction I want to lead you in.

Heck, I don't even know what direction I want to lead myself in.

I don't know what to write or what to tell you because it seems like everywhere I look, I see people who are following their dreams and making things happen. They're off finding careers, finding their callings or simply finding themselves. People have what would appear to be the job I've been searching for since graduation, leaving me to wonder exactly which step I took was the wrong one.

Granted, I have a wonderful life as-is; I have a husband I love very much, who still laughs at all of the weird things I do from day to day. I have a family nearby and a new(ish) nephew who - when he's not spitting up on me - is just about the cutest thing to ever lay in his own poop. 

And I'm lucky enough to be employed and own a home when so many people in this world do not. Don't get me wrong. I realize all of these blessings and I'm thankful for them every day. 

But here I am, four years later without so much as one position with the same title as subject printed on my degree, while people I know are running off being artists and photographers, doctors and lawyers and discovering their dreams and pushing them to reality. 

And me?

I feel like I was out sick on "discover your dream" day in elementary school. 

(And did I mention I had excellent attendance almost every year?) 

The Curse of the Over-achiever

I should mention, of course, that I realize I'm only 26 and that I should chill out. But if that's your advice, you can go ahead and leave it somewhere else. Why?

1. Because I did what I was supposed to do through school, getting good grades, carrying a part-time job and earning the respect of my teachers, professors, employers and peers. 
2. Because I'm really, truly smart and a hard worker and those are supposed to be my keys to opening whatever doors I so choose.
   
3. Because this is my blog and I'll complain if I want to. 

OK, you probably didn't need that third one, and I really don't mean to complain, but let's be honest - when you grow up hearing you can be anything you want to be, you kind of start to believe it.

Maybe it's because everyone in my generation was told the same thing, and we need to realize we really aren't that special. 

Maybe it's only those who have a true, live-or-die-by-it passion can really make something of themselves. 

Maybe some are just luckier than others. Or maybe in this über-connected world we just see more of the bright and shiny sides and it's hard to remember we're all in this messed up world together.

But tell me: how are you doing it?

How did you know what you're doing is what you're meant to be doing? Or are you like me, wondering when that big, fat, passionate something will come around and smack you in the face?

In school, problems have solutions, questions have answers and there's a right and wrong way to do things. In life, we're not that lucky. 

I'm just hoping to figure it all out someday.

'Til then.

Keeping Tabs

So - as some or all of you know, I graduated from college more than two years ago. TWO years ago! I met some of the greatest people I've ever known, learned a ton of things I'll never forget and spent more nights forgetting than I'll ever remember. Unfortunately, things change after you graduate. 

Yes. I'm struggling with it. Back up off me. 

But because I no longer live just blocks away (or doors away) from my college-days best friends, making plans to see them has become a near-impossibility. Because I am no longer the constantly aspiring, A-student, damn-it-I'm-worth-it-point-of-view senior, I spend a lot of time thinking about the steps I didn't take and the ones I should or will. 

But you know that already. Hell, the name of this blog is "Un.Determined." I think we all know I have no idea where I'm going from here. All of that aside, however, I think it's worth mentioning that I've become completely jealous of all the people I know who are following their passions and at the risk of all things sane - doing what they do because they just have to do it. I'm just spending my days figuring out how to copy you. 

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, or something like that, right?

Anyway, if you want to know more about what I mean, just take a look at some of the folks I'm "Keeping Tabs" on. So this post is for you - all of the folks that I'm gaining as great new friends and some pretty awesome old ones I'm getting back in touch with. And if you know of more awesome (yes, I hate myself for not coming up with a more applicable word than awesome, but get over it) people I should follow, let me know.

Because all I hope to do is realize some of my passions - writing being number one - and spend some time growing up with all of you. I admire that you're all doing the exact same thing, right in front of me.

And I'm working on getting past the fact that it's not OK to put on a sorority or college T-shirt EVERY day. 

Give me some time.